How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
