mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
