If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
how drunk are you?
Several
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
