The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
