i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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