when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
