We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
