Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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