Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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