Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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