just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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