I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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