I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
