I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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