I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
