my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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