what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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