He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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