Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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