i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
