if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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