So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
