FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
