so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
