I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize