I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
