one two three fourrrrnication!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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