Best friends brother. Beat that.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
