A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
