I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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