The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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