I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
