I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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