you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
