My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
