drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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