sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
