Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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