It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
