my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
