If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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