I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
