I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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