I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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