Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
