i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
