this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
