I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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