the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize