I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
