that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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