Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
