This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
