dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize