i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
