I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
So vagazzling was a success
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize