grandma shit on top of the toilet
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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