god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
That reminds me...we need to get swords
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Randomize
